As the sun went down the temperature dropped, just enough to have to wear a sweater out –for June, is the winter season in Peru. It was the weekend and a very festive time of year. Stephany Flores, a 21-year-old native, was out with friends at a Casino. It was there in the midst of gambling and risk she took a chance on a tall, handsome European.
Jordan van der Sloot, was originally from Holland and vacationing to get away. Unfortunately for Stephany, she wasn’t aware what he needed to get away from. “Want to head back to my place, I know more games we can play,” van der Sloot whispered to Stephany and on an adventurous whim she accepted van der Sloot’s request, where they would continue to test each other’s luck.
Gambling wasn’t the only thing Stephany wasn’t too lucky to stumble upon that evening. She came across something on Jordan’s computer. A face. A young, beautiful face that looked oddly familiar. She wasn’t an actress, but she definitely was a well-known American. “What’s that you found?” Jordan asked. When he looked at the screen and saw what Stephany had been looking out, it was as if he completely transformed. What had been a charming European all of a sudden became a man full of lethal rage. It was then when Flores’ realized whom that face was and why Jordan had it on his computer. That face belonged to the front page of every magazine, the face of a girl, Natalee Holloway, who went missing on a trip to Aruba when she was 18. And the man she had thought would make for a fun night was the number one suspect for her death.
His eyes pierced her with fierceness, “Who do you think you are going through my things?” he screamed at Flores’. Stephany didn’t know what was the truth, but knew she’d be gambling a lot more than chips if she were to stay in his room any longer. “I think it’s for me to go,” She said walking towards the door. Van der sloot was too large of a man to dodge around and too strong escape his grasp if he was to ever get a hold on her. But he got her. “Get your hands off of me!” Flores screamed as loud as she could before he got her in a chokehold and hit her so hard that her neck snapped. And there lay Stephany, as if asleep, as if she was just another young woman dreaming about the life she had ahead. The life she was about to begin.
ARTICLE:
SOURCES:
Molly, I thought you did a nice job of starting setting the scene. You also build the action well and use the dialogue to punctuate the piece well. Sometimes, however, the narrator's voice slips into a reporter tone, rather than staying within the world of the story itself. For example: "As the sun went down the temperature dropped, just enough to have to wear a sweater out –for June, is the winter season in Peru. It was the weekend and a very festive time of year. Stephany Flores, a 21-year-old native, was out with friends at a Casino. It was there in the midst of gambling and risk she took a chance on a tall, handsome European," could be written like this: "As the sun went down and the temperature dropped, Stephany Flores slipped on a sweater before heading into the Casino. The city swarmed with summer tourists, hoping to stretch their Euros and their dollars in the temperate winter climate of Peru. As she weaved in and out between slot machines and black jack tables, she admired the gringos. One admired her back." Do you see how the voice stays in the story a bit more, not forcing the issue onto the scene, but letting the action and description bear it out?
ReplyDelete